Feeling: Euphoric
I remember the day that changed my life, like it was just yesterday. It was the day that I found our that I was pregnant (Mid April 2008 - Voters day)!
2 dark blue lines like this l l and BAM life is never ever the same again.
Luke was unplanned..I mean don't get me wrong I was thrilled/scared sh1tless when I found out I was pregnant but he was not on my check list at that stage.......I had too much going on. Life was a bit overwhelming and I was desperately trying to regain my footing.
In May 2007 I had made a desperate decision to come off the pill after using it for 10 years.
It was giving me horrific migraines and eventually I could hardly function they had gotten so bad.
Chris would have to rush me to the ER once a month for a migraine injection. These headaches would start and I would do EVERY conceivable thing suggested by professionals, non professionals and google to control them, but once I had pushed through my day the migraine would come back at night with vengeance.
So there I was in the beginning of 2007, well known by the ER staff for my once a month 10pm visit for a drip from all the vomiting and a jab in the butt to get rid of the sledge hammer chopping out bits of my brain. We were all on a first name basis!
I was always attended to first even before the poor bleeding victims. I learnt early on that hospital florescent lights are torture devices that make migraines worse. So the nurses knew if they made me sit in the waiting room I would vomit on their nice, clean floors. It seems they would rather clean up blood than vomit, I knew how to get attention first. Sorry poor gun shot/car accident victims but if you snooze you loose!
I decided to go back to my gyno and told him about the headaches. He said that I needed to stop the pill as all the other avenues had been tested or tried and it was now the only solution to my problem at this point.
I called Chris who agreed and I literally never took the pill again.
Chris and I had been married for 4 years at this point and I knew I WANTED a baby. Previously when we had discussed kids we would get rather excited but we are both realists and would chicken out and say "next year".
I had been off the pill for just under a year and had only had 2 cycles in that year. I was also having a tough time emotionally...ahhh depression my ol nemesis!
I wanted a baby but did not feel ready at that point, I DID however want Kids and was VERY worried because it was not normal to have 2 cycles in 1 year!
I had been to the doc who did all the fertility tests, he could find nothing wrong with me.
So think of the odds of me falling pregant on demand...I have 2 cycles a year, which means I ovulate 2 times a year....I can't follow my ovulation at all as I have no clue as to when my cycle will strike so chances of getting jiggy with it at the right time is virtually impossible...RIGHT??
SIDE NOTE: We were not actively trying to fall pregnant at this point. I just wanted to make sure that I COULD if actually tried! The control thing AGAIN!
In March 2008 I would to go to bed after dinner and would wake up at 2am feeling like I have never even eaten that day at all..I was starving!
I would tip toe out of bed to make myself Milo just to curb the hunger pains. I thought that it was due to the fact that I was gyming 5 days a week and that I was burning a lot of energy.
In the beginning of April 2008 my mom and I went our for lunch. I ordered a toasted sandwich. When it came I suddenly got this insane desire for Tobasco sauce. I poured it all over my food and even put some into my saucer and merrily dunked the bread into it. I considered stealing the Tobasco as I wanted to glug it straight out of the bottle on the way home? My mom still gave me a very quizzy look and said "and now"???
April came, we went to a 21st birthday party, I walked around like I had drunk an entire bottle of wine - I felt totally tipsy. I remember laughing and telling Chris I could party on soda water.
SIDE NOTE: I do not drink at all! Why you may ask? Anti- Depressants and Alcohol are not a great combination for me!
Later that week I went to gym and was jumping around doing my cardio when I suddenly realised that my boobies were incredibly sore...so sore in fact that I was actually holding them but still the penny did not drop.
I was sitting at moms house on voters day, mid April telling my mom how odd and bloated I felt. She look at me and said Mands you are pregnant...WHAT NOOO? I said but I could not get her words out of my head.
So that afternoon, I made Chris take me to the only 24 hour pharmacy that was open on a public holiday and bought a test. I went straight to the public loo and did the test - classy I know.
It had no lines at all...for those of you who don't know how these tests work....1 line is negative, 2 is positive and no lines --- defective.
I burst into tears and told Chris that there was something seriously wrong with me...I was defective. He just laughed and bought another test and told me to do it again.
I was feeling stubborn and was now totally over all this hormonal stuff, I did not want to think about it anymore, so I told him that I could not wee and would do it later.
So off we went.
Much later after a good few cups of Coffee I decided to give the test another go..lets just say that it was not even fully wet and it had 2 DARK lines - Positive!
I started to shake and ran out the bathroom screaming excitedly... Its positive, it is positive...my entire family were there. I ran around with a pee stick in my hand shoving it in everyones faces.
I did not break the news gently poor Chris. I ran in like a whirl wind and have been whirling ever since!
Much Love M
July 28, 2010
July 23, 2010
Belly Flop.
Feeling: Manic and guilty
This week has not been fun, my little guy got his first 2 bottom toofies and now I see that the top 2 are also almost through his gums as well.
King Luke it seems is like me, GO BIG OR GO HOME even when it comes to teething! As you can well imagine my poor little boy has not been a happy sleeper. His sleep or lack of sleep this week have been worse than usual, Chris and I feel like zombies.
My thoughts this morning...... Luke in the car - check, Luke strapped into his car seat - check, Shnookz in car- check, bottles - check, nappy bag- check, car keys- check, gym bag -check, work lunch - check, my mind - missing in action!
Last night was just bad from the start! I got Luke home at around 17:00, he was moany and tired...suicide hour! He had had dinner at Nana's and it was now bath time so I lay him on his changing mat on the table and walked to the cupboard to get out a vest.
All of a sudden I watched in horror as he pulled his head towards his feet -almost like a stomach crunch and tipped the changing mat over the edge of the table - like a seesaw. His changing mat is a couple of cm's too long for the table. This was not a problem when he was smaller but now that he is longer in length and 3 times his birth weight and can rock himself, it has become dangerous. A tough lesson learnt!
Luke using his changing mat, seesawed his way right off the changing table. He landed on the floor on his belly. It happened so quickly that by the time I jumped to catch him he had already belly flopped onto the ground. Almost like a splat!
I felt my heart leap out of my chest as the panic set in. He was not making a sound as I gently lifted him onto my lap. He was blood red and doing the silent scream thing - he had knocked out all his air, he was winded.
I did not know what to do, I literally froze. I was on my knees with him on my lap. I was trying to sound calm and controlled as I willed him to calm down and breath. When he finally got a gasp of air into his lungs he screamed blue murder and I just cried...I felt like the worst mother ever! Then he started to vomit, all over me and himself. So there we were, me kneeling on the floor cradling my son in my arms covered in vomit, crying. He was as red as beetroot and had tears streaming down his little cheeks! I am surprised that the neighbours did not call child services. I felt like turning myself into them for being so stupid!
After about 15 minuted we both managed to calm down. I took off all this clothes and checked his entire body for bruises, cuts or anything that looked even vaguely funny. I also check every bone in his body for any breakages. I checked his mouth to make sure he had not bitten himself or lost any of his hard earned teeth. To my relief all looked okay - now what about internal bleeding? How do I know if he has this? Maybe I should just take him to the hospital in case?
I gave it another 15 minutes, by this stage he was now calm and happily playing naked on the floor. He was fine, this was all thanks to those spongy puzzle pieces that I have in his room on the floor - they saved him from falling directly onto the wood - Shew!
I on the other hand was still covered in vomit, had mascara streaked all over my face and felt like the biggest failure ever.
I managed to bath Luke and he had a bit more bottle before going to bed and seemed to be okay. I on the other hand was very wobbly.
When Chris came home I burst into tears and told him what had happened. I was expecting him to be cross with me but he was really sweet and told me that Luke was fine and that in future I must just be more careful. This was a lesson well learnt!
Ohh and that is not the end of it, I finally ripped off my vomit stained clothes and popped everything into the washing machine. In my now bedraggled state I had forgotten my cell phone in my jacket pocked, so the poor thing was washed and even went through a spin dry! Today my cell is sitting at home drying out. I am hoping that it will work when I get home tonight but I have my doubts..SIGH!
Much Love M
This week has not been fun, my little guy got his first 2 bottom toofies and now I see that the top 2 are also almost through his gums as well.
King Luke it seems is like me, GO BIG OR GO HOME even when it comes to teething! As you can well imagine my poor little boy has not been a happy sleeper. His sleep or lack of sleep this week have been worse than usual, Chris and I feel like zombies.
My thoughts this morning...... Luke in the car - check, Luke strapped into his car seat - check, Shnookz in car- check, bottles - check, nappy bag- check, car keys- check, gym bag -check, work lunch - check, my mind - missing in action!
Last night was just bad from the start! I got Luke home at around 17:00, he was moany and tired...suicide hour! He had had dinner at Nana's and it was now bath time so I lay him on his changing mat on the table and walked to the cupboard to get out a vest.
All of a sudden I watched in horror as he pulled his head towards his feet -almost like a stomach crunch and tipped the changing mat over the edge of the table - like a seesaw. His changing mat is a couple of cm's too long for the table. This was not a problem when he was smaller but now that he is longer in length and 3 times his birth weight and can rock himself, it has become dangerous. A tough lesson learnt!
Luke using his changing mat, seesawed his way right off the changing table. He landed on the floor on his belly. It happened so quickly that by the time I jumped to catch him he had already belly flopped onto the ground. Almost like a splat!
I felt my heart leap out of my chest as the panic set in. He was not making a sound as I gently lifted him onto my lap. He was blood red and doing the silent scream thing - he had knocked out all his air, he was winded.
I did not know what to do, I literally froze. I was on my knees with him on my lap. I was trying to sound calm and controlled as I willed him to calm down and breath. When he finally got a gasp of air into his lungs he screamed blue murder and I just cried...I felt like the worst mother ever! Then he started to vomit, all over me and himself. So there we were, me kneeling on the floor cradling my son in my arms covered in vomit, crying. He was as red as beetroot and had tears streaming down his little cheeks! I am surprised that the neighbours did not call child services. I felt like turning myself into them for being so stupid!
After about 15 minuted we both managed to calm down. I took off all this clothes and checked his entire body for bruises, cuts or anything that looked even vaguely funny. I also check every bone in his body for any breakages. I checked his mouth to make sure he had not bitten himself or lost any of his hard earned teeth. To my relief all looked okay - now what about internal bleeding? How do I know if he has this? Maybe I should just take him to the hospital in case?
I gave it another 15 minutes, by this stage he was now calm and happily playing naked on the floor. He was fine, this was all thanks to those spongy puzzle pieces that I have in his room on the floor - they saved him from falling directly onto the wood - Shew!
I on the other hand was still covered in vomit, had mascara streaked all over my face and felt like the biggest failure ever.
I managed to bath Luke and he had a bit more bottle before going to bed and seemed to be okay. I on the other hand was very wobbly.
When Chris came home I burst into tears and told him what had happened. I was expecting him to be cross with me but he was really sweet and told me that Luke was fine and that in future I must just be more careful. This was a lesson well learnt!
Ohh and that is not the end of it, I finally ripped off my vomit stained clothes and popped everything into the washing machine. In my now bedraggled state I had forgotten my cell phone in my jacket pocked, so the poor thing was washed and even went through a spin dry! Today my cell is sitting at home drying out. I am hoping that it will work when I get home tonight but I have my doubts..SIGH!
Much Love M
July 22, 2010
Never A Truer Word Spoken.
Feeling: TOLD :-)
Funny Story...Chris and I took my car in for a service on Wednesday. Having our car serviced is an absolute pain in the BUTT, I always dread it!
It is really difficult having one car when you are both working, even if it is just for one day. Time management becomes a priority.
Whenever we take our cars to be serviced we have to get up extra specially early to get all 4 of us (Shnookz my dog is always included) ready for the day. I have to drop off King Luke and Shnookz at moms and get Chris to work. Then I need to get back to my office without being late. The traffic is always a nightmare. To make matters worse I have to drive Chris's car for the day it does not have power steering, in order to turn his car I need to have muscles on my eyebrows, enough said!
So after dropping off King Luke and Shnookz at Nana's house and dropping Suzi my car at the garage, Chris and I were merrily on our way to his offices after surviving a manic rushed morning. We were proudly out the house by 7am and had not argued once! Hi-five, GO team Hall!
Chris and I were sitting together in Sandton traffic listening to the radio when the presenter started to talk about star signs...personally I think they are a load of rubbish but for the sake of the story let me continue......
Chris and I have been together for 10 years, married for 5.5years, to my astonishment he turned to me and said "Mands what is your star sign?".
"I am a Libra" I replied.
"Oh" he said and then asked what it was.
"It is the scales" I replied.
SILENCE
You know Mands this stuff may be true because you are pretty unbalanced.
SILENCE???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Much Love M
Funny Story...Chris and I took my car in for a service on Wednesday. Having our car serviced is an absolute pain in the BUTT, I always dread it!
It is really difficult having one car when you are both working, even if it is just for one day. Time management becomes a priority.
Whenever we take our cars to be serviced we have to get up extra specially early to get all 4 of us (Shnookz my dog is always included) ready for the day. I have to drop off King Luke and Shnookz at moms and get Chris to work. Then I need to get back to my office without being late. The traffic is always a nightmare. To make matters worse I have to drive Chris's car for the day it does not have power steering, in order to turn his car I need to have muscles on my eyebrows, enough said!
So after dropping off King Luke and Shnookz at Nana's house and dropping Suzi my car at the garage, Chris and I were merrily on our way to his offices after surviving a manic rushed morning. We were proudly out the house by 7am and had not argued once! Hi-five, GO team Hall!
Chris and I were sitting together in Sandton traffic listening to the radio when the presenter started to talk about star signs...personally I think they are a load of rubbish but for the sake of the story let me continue......
Chris and I have been together for 10 years, married for 5.5years, to my astonishment he turned to me and said "Mands what is your star sign?".
"I am a Libra" I replied.
"Oh" he said and then asked what it was.
"It is the scales" I replied.
SILENCE
You know Mands this stuff may be true because you are pretty unbalanced.
SILENCE???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Much Love M
July 19, 2010
Feeling: SAD
Today I woke up feeling very dark and moody- GOTHIC!
All I wanted to do was hide under the covers and go back to sleep. I wanted the the world to leave me alone but duty called and I had to drag my miserable body out of bed. "Stomps feet, I don't wannnnaaaaa, whiny voice!"
To make matters worse I got stuck in traffic on the way to gym, I had a fight with a Harley Davidson driver who gave me the finger because I was trying to be polite and I have a HUGE hole in my back tooth which constantly aches. I have to go to the dentist tomorrow...fun fun. I have been avoiding this for months, if I eat on that side, it feels like someone has stuck a needle into my nerves. It is time to fix this but I am so nervous. I don't mind doctors but dentist are a different story. I will be taking my mom with for hand holding moral support. Yes, I am a baby.
I also woke up with YELLOW hair...yes yellow! I am so,so irritated. I wanted my hair to be bleached the colour of PINK'S hair...you know the rock singer! I LOVE her ash blond, silver, short hair...after TELLING my hairdresser that I did not want to see any yellow in my hair I walked out of the salon not that happy. I could see yellow but was not 100% sure... it was 18:30 on a Friday night, I was tired and just wanted to get home to Luke, so I left it. I do however think she knew it was not right because as I left she still told me that I may need more toner! Duhhhhh!
I have stared at the doo all weekend and after washing it last night I know it is not just me and this happy, sunflower colour is not what I paid for, it is most defiantly YELLOW, it has to go! I will be calling my hairdresser tomorrow to fix my hair, SIGH. I would do it today but they are closed on Mondays....what a pain! A pity my mood does not match my happy, yellow, sunny hair!
Okay to be honest all this stuff that I am moaning about is minor and can be fixed. My major upset is actually the fact that my baby is growing up so, so fast and while I definitely do celebrate his milestones...him cutting 2 teeth this past week has left a pain in my heart. He is no longer a toothless baby but is now well and truly on the road to becoming a little boy. It scares me how quickly this is all happening. Where is the time going and where am I, I feel lost?
I can't get my mind around how life is speeding by, I feel like I am standing on the platform and am missing the train! My months, weeks, days are staring to blur and I am having trouble remembering things. I feel all over the place and out of control. Luke's toofies were a huge wake up call, time waits for no man/woman.... I MUST take control again, slow down and look after myself better - my teeth are a classic example of me not looking after myself and leaving things! I can feel the depression sitting on my back, it is getting heavier and I need to fight it, keep it away.
I am hoping that by putting this post out there it will make me accountable and will help me to remember that I am also on this planet. This is my week. I will be reassessing what is truly important. I will put plans in place and will be moving forward.
I do hope that by doing this insead of just floating around and hoping for the best time will slow down and I can then celebrate Luke's milestones instead of feeling heart sore because there was just not enough time to enjoy every second.
Much Love M
Today I woke up feeling very dark and moody- GOTHIC!
All I wanted to do was hide under the covers and go back to sleep. I wanted the the world to leave me alone but duty called and I had to drag my miserable body out of bed. "Stomps feet, I don't wannnnaaaaa, whiny voice!"
To make matters worse I got stuck in traffic on the way to gym, I had a fight with a Harley Davidson driver who gave me the finger because I was trying to be polite and I have a HUGE hole in my back tooth which constantly aches. I have to go to the dentist tomorrow...fun fun. I have been avoiding this for months, if I eat on that side, it feels like someone has stuck a needle into my nerves. It is time to fix this but I am so nervous. I don't mind doctors but dentist are a different story. I will be taking my mom with for hand holding moral support. Yes, I am a baby.
I also woke up with YELLOW hair...yes yellow! I am so,so irritated. I wanted my hair to be bleached the colour of PINK'S hair...you know the rock singer! I LOVE her ash blond, silver, short hair...after TELLING my hairdresser that I did not want to see any yellow in my hair I walked out of the salon not that happy. I could see yellow but was not 100% sure... it was 18:30 on a Friday night, I was tired and just wanted to get home to Luke, so I left it. I do however think she knew it was not right because as I left she still told me that I may need more toner! Duhhhhh!
I have stared at the doo all weekend and after washing it last night I know it is not just me and this happy, sunflower colour is not what I paid for, it is most defiantly YELLOW, it has to go! I will be calling my hairdresser tomorrow to fix my hair, SIGH. I would do it today but they are closed on Mondays....what a pain! A pity my mood does not match my happy, yellow, sunny hair!
Okay to be honest all this stuff that I am moaning about is minor and can be fixed. My major upset is actually the fact that my baby is growing up so, so fast and while I definitely do celebrate his milestones...him cutting 2 teeth this past week has left a pain in my heart. He is no longer a toothless baby but is now well and truly on the road to becoming a little boy. It scares me how quickly this is all happening. Where is the time going and where am I, I feel lost?
I can't get my mind around how life is speeding by, I feel like I am standing on the platform and am missing the train! My months, weeks, days are staring to blur and I am having trouble remembering things. I feel all over the place and out of control. Luke's toofies were a huge wake up call, time waits for no man/woman.... I MUST take control again, slow down and look after myself better - my teeth are a classic example of me not looking after myself and leaving things! I can feel the depression sitting on my back, it is getting heavier and I need to fight it, keep it away.
I am hoping that by putting this post out there it will make me accountable and will help me to remember that I am also on this planet. This is my week. I will be reassessing what is truly important. I will put plans in place and will be moving forward.
I do hope that by doing this insead of just floating around and hoping for the best time will slow down and I can then celebrate Luke's milestones instead of feeling heart sore because there was just not enough time to enjoy every second.
Much Love M
July 09, 2010
Breastfeeding...try twisting your nipple why don't you?
Feeling: Adamant.
The evening that I went into labour I was lying in the foetal position, breathing through the horrendous contractions waiting for some, any doctor to arrive to administer my pain medication.
The nurse asked me to fill out a form and asked me two questions:
1. Do you want to breastfeed....my first thought was WOW that is an odd question, doesn't every mother want to nourish their little babies with the bestest, mostest natural goodness around...so haughtily I replied YES!
2. Do you want to keep your placenta? WHAT THE..........! ewwwwww NO!
After Luke was born, the nurse in post op "helped" me to breastfeed . It was fascinating, this tiny little person, all warm ,placid and sleepy became like a ferocious piranha as soon as the nurse put him near my booby. He literally crawled to it with his mouth wide open...it was pretty freaky.
While pregnant I had had these visions of me sitting all beautiful in white linen with my chubby angle drinking while lying peacefully against my bare chest. SIGH but it was just not meant to be.
My body had already been so man handled while I had been in labour...NOT FUN. I had just had Luke cut out of me and all the dignity that I ever possessed was now well and truly gone. To make matters worse I now had this nurse poking and prodding at my sensitive nipples.
I don't know about you but I am not a touchy, feely person at the best of times and having this woman fondling my breasts was not my idea of feeling comfortable and in control!
The first 3 days of feeding Luke the colostrum was not bad. I felt like I was a great, empowered mommy and could definately do this. When we left the hospital Luke had not even lost a gram - most babies do loose weight until the actual milk comes in. WOW I was a Super Mom, dairy cow! I choose not to have natural birth, a decision I still stand by BUT I was not a total complete loss and was now the Booby Queen!
When the milk started to come in....come in now that is a stupid term they make it sound so easy! I had read a few books on breastfeeding and I can honestly say that not one book told me the truth and not one mommy told me how bad it is! Maybe it is just me but I was totally and utterly unprepared for this.
It was THE MOST horrendous part of my entire birth experience. I have never felt pain like that in all my life. The Caesar was nothing, labour was bad but fleeting because of the spinal block, this however was continuous 2 hourly torture.
Take a pair of pliers and clip them onto your nipples.. ready now.... twist them while grinding the pliers open and closed! Do this for 15 minutes every 2 hours. My piranah!
Okay now take a burning hot poker and prod your breast with it. This is the sensation of milk coming in. No ladies and gents I could not WORK through the pain.The cabbage leaves did nothing and to this day I cant stand the smell of cabbage - post traumatic stress syndrome!
Any and all nipple creams were used in an attempt to save my minced, bleeding nipples - they did not work. Nipple guards? What ever I was too far gone!
Massaging them in a hot bath water. Massage them?!! I could not even touch them and wanted to literally die when ever I would bump these two huge, over inflated, unsexy torture devices that have been implanted onto my chest.
After a week of tears, hysteria, sweating and spastic muscles in my neck and back from the pain. Grinding my teeth and trying to do the"right" thing I TOLD the doctor that I am not doing this and to dry me up!
I stuck to my guns after many people gave me the look for not "doing the best for my son". Don't you hate it..... people always want to give you their opinions and make you feel guilty especially when you are at you most vulnerable!
I realised that I had become petrified of Luke. I was becoming more and more unhinged by the pain. I had images of me running away! I was very disappointed because up to this point I had done well considering the type of person that I am.
I had not had the 3 day cry, I was not depressed and had no post partum negative emotions. All I can say is that I was tired of pain and it had to be fixed so that I could continue to enjoy my baby! I had mastitis and could not hold Luke to my chest, how do you love a new born baby if you cant hold him?!
Much to peoples disgust I took the tablets and popped my son of 10 days old onto formula - BLISS - slowly my breasts became my own again as the milk dried up. I did not have to worry about leaking anymore, the uncomfortable breast pads were promptly given away, the sticky dirty feeling and changing my clothes a million times a day stopped, the pain eventually disappeared it took more than a month and my nipples started to heal.
Chris could also get up and feed Luke so we could now share night feeds and I could not hold, cuddle and love my son to my chest- LOVE.
I will never, ever breast feed again and the next time a nurse asks me that question when delivering my "maybe one day" second child. I will calmly reply : DRY ME UP DOTTY!
Much Love M
The evening that I went into labour I was lying in the foetal position, breathing through the horrendous contractions waiting for some, any doctor to arrive to administer my pain medication.
The nurse asked me to fill out a form and asked me two questions:
1. Do you want to breastfeed....my first thought was WOW that is an odd question, doesn't every mother want to nourish their little babies with the bestest, mostest natural goodness around...so haughtily I replied YES!
2. Do you want to keep your placenta? WHAT THE..........! ewwwwww NO!
After Luke was born, the nurse in post op "helped" me to breastfeed . It was fascinating, this tiny little person, all warm ,placid and sleepy became like a ferocious piranha as soon as the nurse put him near my booby. He literally crawled to it with his mouth wide open...it was pretty freaky.
While pregnant I had had these visions of me sitting all beautiful in white linen with my chubby angle drinking while lying peacefully against my bare chest. SIGH but it was just not meant to be.
My body had already been so man handled while I had been in labour...NOT FUN. I had just had Luke cut out of me and all the dignity that I ever possessed was now well and truly gone. To make matters worse I now had this nurse poking and prodding at my sensitive nipples.
I don't know about you but I am not a touchy, feely person at the best of times and having this woman fondling my breasts was not my idea of feeling comfortable and in control!
The first 3 days of feeding Luke the colostrum was not bad. I felt like I was a great, empowered mommy and could definately do this. When we left the hospital Luke had not even lost a gram - most babies do loose weight until the actual milk comes in. WOW I was a Super Mom, dairy cow! I choose not to have natural birth, a decision I still stand by BUT I was not a total complete loss and was now the Booby Queen!
When the milk started to come in....come in now that is a stupid term they make it sound so easy! I had read a few books on breastfeeding and I can honestly say that not one book told me the truth and not one mommy told me how bad it is! Maybe it is just me but I was totally and utterly unprepared for this.
It was THE MOST horrendous part of my entire birth experience. I have never felt pain like that in all my life. The Caesar was nothing, labour was bad but fleeting because of the spinal block, this however was continuous 2 hourly torture.
Take a pair of pliers and clip them onto your nipples.. ready now.... twist them while grinding the pliers open and closed! Do this for 15 minutes every 2 hours. My piranah!
Okay now take a burning hot poker and prod your breast with it. This is the sensation of milk coming in. No ladies and gents I could not WORK through the pain.The cabbage leaves did nothing and to this day I cant stand the smell of cabbage - post traumatic stress syndrome!
Any and all nipple creams were used in an attempt to save my minced, bleeding nipples - they did not work. Nipple guards? What ever I was too far gone!
Massaging them in a hot bath water. Massage them?!! I could not even touch them and wanted to literally die when ever I would bump these two huge, over inflated, unsexy torture devices that have been implanted onto my chest.
After a week of tears, hysteria, sweating and spastic muscles in my neck and back from the pain. Grinding my teeth and trying to do the"right" thing I TOLD the doctor that I am not doing this and to dry me up!
I stuck to my guns after many people gave me the look for not "doing the best for my son". Don't you hate it..... people always want to give you their opinions and make you feel guilty especially when you are at you most vulnerable!
I realised that I had become petrified of Luke. I was becoming more and more unhinged by the pain. I had images of me running away! I was very disappointed because up to this point I had done well considering the type of person that I am.
I had not had the 3 day cry, I was not depressed and had no post partum negative emotions. All I can say is that I was tired of pain and it had to be fixed so that I could continue to enjoy my baby! I had mastitis and could not hold Luke to my chest, how do you love a new born baby if you cant hold him?!
Much to peoples disgust I took the tablets and popped my son of 10 days old onto formula - BLISS - slowly my breasts became my own again as the milk dried up. I did not have to worry about leaking anymore, the uncomfortable breast pads were promptly given away, the sticky dirty feeling and changing my clothes a million times a day stopped, the pain eventually disappeared it took more than a month and my nipples started to heal.
Chris could also get up and feed Luke so we could now share night feeds and I could not hold, cuddle and love my son to my chest- LOVE.
I will never, ever breast feed again and the next time a nurse asks me that question when delivering my "maybe one day" second child. I will calmly reply : DRY ME UP DOTTY!
Much Love M
July 08, 2010
Night Time Battles
Feeling: MANIC!
Don't get me wrong when you read this blog I love my son, I really, really do but I love sleep as well......SOB!!!
This Mamma is not a nice Mamma without 8 hours of sleep. Without it I am a dark, mean spirited, moany pain in the butt! I just can't help it, can you hear the wine in my voice......
The past 2 nights have been demanding......umm jaaa ....actually they have been pretty sh1tty.
Luke has woken up EVERY BLOODY half hour screaming blue murder! I can't understand it. I have done everything by the book...gee wizz I am really starting to dislike THAT book! Sleep training my backside.....they have obviously never encountered KING Luke.
I have now decided that he must be teething, I can't see anything...not too sure what I am actually looking for but he is rubbing his tongue over his gum all the time and is gobbing allot! I eventually out of sheer desperation tried Panado with the hopes that it will knock the dude out! NO SUCH LUCK. He is a big, strapping, strong boy and I am afraid to give him more that 1,5ml's. I am not a naturalist and have no problem taking tablets myself but I am nervous when it come to Luke and feel guilty. I listen to all the moms talk about their natural solutions and I get this tinge of shame because I am one of those people who wants to fix the problem now and the "natural" route takes too long - CONFESSION- but I am trying to change my love of modern medicine and it takes allot for me to "dope" my kid! So please don't call child services :-)
It is starting to feel like the first 3 months of Luke's life all over again and I am not a fan of our late night rendezvous!
I still remember not fondly being so utterly exhausted one night that I bought 4 rolls of Chocolate Rolos...my logic was that I needed the energy. Okay honestly it was an excuse to eat chocolate...warning emotional eating!
Any way I was patting Luke for what felt like the millionth time and while hanging over the cot I was systematically popping the Rolos in my mouth. At some point I may have blacked out because I had drooled all over him. He was splattered with a sticky brown mess but at least he was sleeping. I did not even clean him because that might wake my "angel". In the morning Chris asked me what this stuff on his baby grow was...POO I confidently replied. He knew the truth but chose to keep quiet...LOL! I just gave him the look!
Okay, I have digressed back to last night. I felt like throwing Luke in the dustbin and going back to the hospital demanding that they give me a baby that was not broken...where the hell is the off button! Funny the things that actually go through your mind in the early hours of the morning after a very long night knowing that you have to get up for work early. I was clock watching every second that I was missing out on that precious desperately needed sleep.
Fortunately he did not end up in the dustbin and woke up after very little sleep all smiley and happy.
Can't say I feel the same way today my smile is more of a grimace!
Ohh and by the way to all those mothers who smile at me and say "my baby has slept through from 6 weeks BLAH, BLAH, BLAH I dislike you right now"! LOL!
Much love M
July 07, 2010
A Daily Battle.
Feeling: Brave
I have been sitting on the below blog for ages, it is something that is pretty hard to share but is something that is very close to my heart:
I am a bit of a Fruit Loop me thinks but it is okay because Fruit Loops are colourful, fruity and quite frankly delicious. They are hard and crunchy but add a little milk and they are just one big mushy mess. Me in a nutshell!
I am sure that many of you don’t know this about me but I suffer from depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety and when things get too much binge eating. When I say depression it is not the I feel down or miserable feeling that most people experience on a daily basis but the actual chemical imbalance crawl into a hole and die depression.
I had following depressive symptoms for many, many years since, since the age of about 13. They were left untreated because of my pride and unfortunately became worse and worse the older I got.
I felt empty nothing gave me joy or pleasure
I had chronic fatigue- no energy
I used sleep as an escape mechanism
I lost weigh- I would either overeat (binge) or under eat.
I had constant stomach ache
Brain fog
I could not think straight and it took huge effort to concentrate.
I battled to make any decisions.
I felt like I had no value and was always guilty about things even if they were out of my control.
I was very self conscious and I basically began to hate everything about myself.
I have always been a highly strung person and am very, very hard on myself. I have a huge need in my life for control, perfection and order. I don’t care if other people do not have these characteristics/qualities. I actually adore it when people are real and are less than perfect but I had to have them in my life.
I was a person and still am to a lesser extent unable to cope with anything that is not in my control and I absolutely hated any and all change.
To keep my depression and binge eating controlled I have to follow a very strict life plan and it goes as follows:
I have to take my anti- depressants every day – even when pregnant I was on them
I need to get 8 hours sleep- this keeps my energy levels up, my mind clear and emotions even.
I need routine but I have learnt to be MUCH more flexible. This is difficult but I have had to learn that in life unexpected things happen.
I need order – clean car, clean house, and clean clear mind. I often have to set a day aside to get this all back in order. I know when I am emotionally slipping as I start to slip on the above.
If something is bothering me I need to fix it, procrastination is not an option.
I talk when I feel overwhelmed and will open up to my family who are my support system – Bless them.
I exercise: this is my good, healthy “drug” of choice; this really controls the binge eating because food is no longer my emotional “drug” – Gym is.
On the 25 May 2005 I suffered from a complete nervous breakdown, there were numerous things that happened to me. Probably mundane things to most people but because of my fragile state of mind they were too much for me to deal with. I was at a point where I was unable to pretend that I was fine anymore.
I was admitted into Crescent Clinic a Psychiatric Hospital. I did not go there happily, I went kicking and screaming. I felt like I did not need help and I was furious, defiant, totally embarrassed but in the end I gave in because I felt completely beaten and could not see any other solution
Upon arrival the nurses checked all my bags, any pills, razors or anything else that was deemed harmful was taken away. It was pretty scary but necessary fortunately I was never suicidal. I just did not want to live..... there is a difference.
During my 8 day stay there I met a lot of very interesting, colourful characters. Basically the clinic has 3 divisions the depressed, the addicted and the eating disordered – could be a title for a good comedy!
Among the depressed I met successful business men and women, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers; grandparents, high school kids the list goes on. Amazingly all these people were just ordinary, everyday people not freaks :-) It was then that I realised that I was not the only person who felt that way that I did and that there was no shame in admitting that I was not okay. We all just pretend to be fine but deep down are not! Nothing wrong with that at all!
Now the drug addicts were pretty scary lot they liked to act tough and stuck together “birds of a feather”. I will never forget my first dinner in the dining room. A big macho druggie walked up to me and rudely said ‘What’s wrong with you, you look like you don’t need to be here?” He on the other hand looked like crap.... cannot think of a better word to describe how ill he looked - Heroine abuse need I say more.
My quiet response was “I may look fine to you but I am not! My illness is all in my head so who do you think should be scared of who?”
He nodded and walked away slowly, he looked a little scared and was trying to not make any sudden movements in case I FrEakEd out!!? LOL!
I smile about my encounter with him today because he was just so typical and his attitude towards me reflected most "normal" people’s attitudes towards depression. You look fine so therefore you must be fine..just pull yourself together! That is why most people are so secretive and ashamed of this illness. They will rather suffer in silence than talk about the big D.
Many things can trigger depression genetics, personality, a traumatic event, and or an illness. I suffer from an imbalance in my brain chemistry this makes me especially prone to stress. What may seem like a small setback to someone else may be the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. It is an illness like cancer and trust me it is not for sissies.
Feelings of depression are caused by a chemical change that affects how the brain functions. A normally functioning brain is a giant messaging system that controls everything. The brain is made up of billions of nerve cells called neurons. These neurons send and receive messages from the rest of your body, using brain chemicals called neurotransmitters.
These brain chemicals—in varying amounts—are responsible for our emotional state. Depression happens when these chemical messages aren’t delivered correctly between brain cells, disrupting communication.
My stay at Crescent Clinic was not bad at all, it was actually great and was very much needed! I have never slept so well in all my life. I was put onto anti -depressant and tranquilisers and was helped to make some serious life changes through counselling. One being that I resigned from my job- best day of my life and one very important step towards my "recovery".
Chris was my rock he gave me all the time and support that I needed. His love for me never waivered, I am truly blessed to have him. My mom was amazing she helped me to get back on my feet.
All in all this experience had made me the person that I am today, a little bit softer, a little bit kinder, a hell of a lot more understanding, totally open and honest and a little bit funnier!
I hope this helps someone out there. Just remember that if you have depression you are not alone and that you can MOST definitely lead a normal, very happy life. Is does take a bit of effort and triggers needed to be identified and established. Boundaries and gut feelings must be used an followed and if you have to take tablets do it religiously, they don’t make you happy or change who you are. They just correct the imbalance in your brain so that you can actually see the light at the end of a very dark tunnel! I will probably be on medication for the rest of my life and do not care one bit!
Much Love M
P.S: I also met Rico the creator of Madam and Eve at the Clinic – can you believe it!
He gave me a signed copy of one of his books – I had no clue who he was at the time. One evening I was watching TV he came into the lounge with a stack of DvDs and forgot them in the lounge. I kept them with me and gave them to him the next day. He then to say thanks gave me one of his books with a little message in it just for me – when people come to my house and ask where I met him and how I got his signature I smile – Funny story that......
I have been sitting on the below blog for ages, it is something that is pretty hard to share but is something that is very close to my heart:
I am a bit of a Fruit Loop me thinks but it is okay because Fruit Loops are colourful, fruity and quite frankly delicious. They are hard and crunchy but add a little milk and they are just one big mushy mess. Me in a nutshell!
I am sure that many of you don’t know this about me but I suffer from depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety and when things get too much binge eating. When I say depression it is not the I feel down or miserable feeling that most people experience on a daily basis but the actual chemical imbalance crawl into a hole and die depression.
I had following depressive symptoms for many, many years since, since the age of about 13. They were left untreated because of my pride and unfortunately became worse and worse the older I got.
I felt empty nothing gave me joy or pleasure
I had chronic fatigue- no energy
I used sleep as an escape mechanism
I lost weigh- I would either overeat (binge) or under eat.
I had constant stomach ache
Brain fog
I could not think straight and it took huge effort to concentrate.
I battled to make any decisions.
I felt like I had no value and was always guilty about things even if they were out of my control.
I was very self conscious and I basically began to hate everything about myself.
I have always been a highly strung person and am very, very hard on myself. I have a huge need in my life for control, perfection and order. I don’t care if other people do not have these characteristics/qualities. I actually adore it when people are real and are less than perfect but I had to have them in my life.
I was a person and still am to a lesser extent unable to cope with anything that is not in my control and I absolutely hated any and all change.
To keep my depression and binge eating controlled I have to follow a very strict life plan and it goes as follows:
I have to take my anti- depressants every day – even when pregnant I was on them
I need to get 8 hours sleep- this keeps my energy levels up, my mind clear and emotions even.
I need routine but I have learnt to be MUCH more flexible. This is difficult but I have had to learn that in life unexpected things happen.
I need order – clean car, clean house, and clean clear mind. I often have to set a day aside to get this all back in order. I know when I am emotionally slipping as I start to slip on the above.
If something is bothering me I need to fix it, procrastination is not an option.
I talk when I feel overwhelmed and will open up to my family who are my support system – Bless them.
I exercise: this is my good, healthy “drug” of choice; this really controls the binge eating because food is no longer my emotional “drug” – Gym is.
On the 25 May 2005 I suffered from a complete nervous breakdown, there were numerous things that happened to me. Probably mundane things to most people but because of my fragile state of mind they were too much for me to deal with. I was at a point where I was unable to pretend that I was fine anymore.
I was admitted into Crescent Clinic a Psychiatric Hospital. I did not go there happily, I went kicking and screaming. I felt like I did not need help and I was furious, defiant, totally embarrassed but in the end I gave in because I felt completely beaten and could not see any other solution
Upon arrival the nurses checked all my bags, any pills, razors or anything else that was deemed harmful was taken away. It was pretty scary but necessary fortunately I was never suicidal. I just did not want to live..... there is a difference.
During my 8 day stay there I met a lot of very interesting, colourful characters. Basically the clinic has 3 divisions the depressed, the addicted and the eating disordered – could be a title for a good comedy!
Among the depressed I met successful business men and women, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers; grandparents, high school kids the list goes on. Amazingly all these people were just ordinary, everyday people not freaks :-) It was then that I realised that I was not the only person who felt that way that I did and that there was no shame in admitting that I was not okay. We all just pretend to be fine but deep down are not! Nothing wrong with that at all!
Now the drug addicts were pretty scary lot they liked to act tough and stuck together “birds of a feather”. I will never forget my first dinner in the dining room. A big macho druggie walked up to me and rudely said ‘What’s wrong with you, you look like you don’t need to be here?” He on the other hand looked like crap.... cannot think of a better word to describe how ill he looked - Heroine abuse need I say more.
My quiet response was “I may look fine to you but I am not! My illness is all in my head so who do you think should be scared of who?”
He nodded and walked away slowly, he looked a little scared and was trying to not make any sudden movements in case I FrEakEd out!!? LOL!
I smile about my encounter with him today because he was just so typical and his attitude towards me reflected most "normal" people’s attitudes towards depression. You look fine so therefore you must be fine..just pull yourself together! That is why most people are so secretive and ashamed of this illness. They will rather suffer in silence than talk about the big D.
Many things can trigger depression genetics, personality, a traumatic event, and or an illness. I suffer from an imbalance in my brain chemistry this makes me especially prone to stress. What may seem like a small setback to someone else may be the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. It is an illness like cancer and trust me it is not for sissies.
Feelings of depression are caused by a chemical change that affects how the brain functions. A normally functioning brain is a giant messaging system that controls everything. The brain is made up of billions of nerve cells called neurons. These neurons send and receive messages from the rest of your body, using brain chemicals called neurotransmitters.
These brain chemicals—in varying amounts—are responsible for our emotional state. Depression happens when these chemical messages aren’t delivered correctly between brain cells, disrupting communication.
My stay at Crescent Clinic was not bad at all, it was actually great and was very much needed! I have never slept so well in all my life. I was put onto anti -depressant and tranquilisers and was helped to make some serious life changes through counselling. One being that I resigned from my job- best day of my life and one very important step towards my "recovery".
Chris was my rock he gave me all the time and support that I needed. His love for me never waivered, I am truly blessed to have him. My mom was amazing she helped me to get back on my feet.
All in all this experience had made me the person that I am today, a little bit softer, a little bit kinder, a hell of a lot more understanding, totally open and honest and a little bit funnier!
I hope this helps someone out there. Just remember that if you have depression you are not alone and that you can MOST definitely lead a normal, very happy life. Is does take a bit of effort and triggers needed to be identified and established. Boundaries and gut feelings must be used an followed and if you have to take tablets do it religiously, they don’t make you happy or change who you are. They just correct the imbalance in your brain so that you can actually see the light at the end of a very dark tunnel! I will probably be on medication for the rest of my life and do not care one bit!
Much Love M
P.S: I also met Rico the creator of Madam and Eve at the Clinic – can you believe it!
He gave me a signed copy of one of his books – I had no clue who he was at the time. One evening I was watching TV he came into the lounge with a stack of DvDs and forgot them in the lounge. I kept them with me and gave them to him the next day. He then to say thanks gave me one of his books with a little message in it just for me – when people come to my house and ask where I met him and how I got his signature I smile – Funny story that......
July 06, 2010
Bodily Present, Mind Absent.
Feeling: Enlightened
On Monday evening Chris and I were sitting talking. We had the TV blaring in the background and Luke sitting surrounded by toys merrily bashing what ever he could reach. He is such a boy!
At 17:30 Oprah came on, we found ourselves getting quite involved in her show.
They were talking about a family who had become totally disconnected because of email, texting and all the electronic bits and bobs in their lives.
Basically the family were never mentally present when together. They lived in the same house but never communicated or did things as a family. They were too busy living in their little electronic bubbles.
Wow.... Chris and I started to discuss this and we came to the conclusion that it is terribly true.
Have you ever been in the company of a friend who texts the entire time that you are together or someone who runs off every time their phone rings leaving you sitting there twiddling your thumbs while they have a pointless conversation with someone else? Irritating hey?
I have often felt like getting up and going home when people have done this to me. I find it extremely rude, it makes me feel like my company is not good enough.
In our society however it is a norm and has become a widely accepted practice. Most people do not even blink an eyelid and will even start texing themselves.....so you get 2 people sitting together in a social setting texting someone else..pretty ridiculous if you actually stop and think about it!
People have become bodily present and mind absent!
I am not a phone junkie, I absolutely hate talking on the phone. I tend to leave my phone lying all over the place and often forget to even check it. As far as I am concerned it is there for emergencies, to organise get togethers, to confirm plans and to give someone a quick I am thinking about you message. It is not my friend or a relationship forming tool.
People often berate me when they call and I do not answer immediately.....HELLO! I am busy.
Do people think that I sit around all day waiting for them to call?
When I am at home, I am at home and am present not only in body but in mind as well.
Texting can wait, emailing can wait, FB can wait and even TV can wait. I would rather spend an evening eating dinner as a family, laughing and chatting, there is nothing better.
I find FB fascinating you can see exactly what people have watched the night before. Don't get me wrong I do enjoy a good TV programme and I do most definitely like DSTV but since I have been married we have not had Mnet or DSTV. At first I was worried..what are we going to watch... when growing up we always had them.
To my surprise I don't miss them at all! I actually feel despondent every time Chris suggests that we go and get "hooked up". If we do I know that a lot of the things that we do now together as a family will fall away. Electronic bubble syndrome!
At the moment we have a choice of 4 channels, we often loose interest in whatever is on because they play total junk or extremely old stuff....pretty boring! There is only so much wrestling that one can watch..SNIGGER!
Instead of watching that rubbish we do other things as a family and actually talk to each other..gasp, horror! hehee
I know that eventually we will move back into the 21st century and will get DSTV but for now I have to say a big thank you to SABC and ETV for the rubbish that they play!
It has made my family closer...so by all means please continue with your current business plan and I will continue to pay my TV licence, it is best and cheapest family therapy around!
Much Love M :-)
On Monday evening Chris and I were sitting talking. We had the TV blaring in the background and Luke sitting surrounded by toys merrily bashing what ever he could reach. He is such a boy!
At 17:30 Oprah came on, we found ourselves getting quite involved in her show.
They were talking about a family who had become totally disconnected because of email, texting and all the electronic bits and bobs in their lives.
Basically the family were never mentally present when together. They lived in the same house but never communicated or did things as a family. They were too busy living in their little electronic bubbles.
Wow.... Chris and I started to discuss this and we came to the conclusion that it is terribly true.
Have you ever been in the company of a friend who texts the entire time that you are together or someone who runs off every time their phone rings leaving you sitting there twiddling your thumbs while they have a pointless conversation with someone else? Irritating hey?
I have often felt like getting up and going home when people have done this to me. I find it extremely rude, it makes me feel like my company is not good enough.
In our society however it is a norm and has become a widely accepted practice. Most people do not even blink an eyelid and will even start texing themselves.....so you get 2 people sitting together in a social setting texting someone else..pretty ridiculous if you actually stop and think about it!
People have become bodily present and mind absent!
I am not a phone junkie, I absolutely hate talking on the phone. I tend to leave my phone lying all over the place and often forget to even check it. As far as I am concerned it is there for emergencies, to organise get togethers, to confirm plans and to give someone a quick I am thinking about you message. It is not my friend or a relationship forming tool.
People often berate me when they call and I do not answer immediately.....HELLO! I am busy.
Do people think that I sit around all day waiting for them to call?
When I am at home, I am at home and am present not only in body but in mind as well.
Texting can wait, emailing can wait, FB can wait and even TV can wait. I would rather spend an evening eating dinner as a family, laughing and chatting, there is nothing better.
I find FB fascinating you can see exactly what people have watched the night before. Don't get me wrong I do enjoy a good TV programme and I do most definitely like DSTV but since I have been married we have not had Mnet or DSTV. At first I was worried..what are we going to watch... when growing up we always had them.
To my surprise I don't miss them at all! I actually feel despondent every time Chris suggests that we go and get "hooked up". If we do I know that a lot of the things that we do now together as a family will fall away. Electronic bubble syndrome!
At the moment we have a choice of 4 channels, we often loose interest in whatever is on because they play total junk or extremely old stuff....pretty boring! There is only so much wrestling that one can watch..SNIGGER!
Instead of watching that rubbish we do other things as a family and actually talk to each other..gasp, horror! hehee
I know that eventually we will move back into the 21st century and will get DSTV but for now I have to say a big thank you to SABC and ETV for the rubbish that they play!
It has made my family closer...so by all means please continue with your current business plan and I will continue to pay my TV licence, it is best and cheapest family therapy around!
Much Love M :-)
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