July 19, 2010

Feeling: SAD

Today I woke up feeling very dark and moody- GOTHIC!
All I wanted to do was hide under the covers and go back to sleep. I wanted the the world to leave me alone but duty called and I had to drag my miserable body out of bed. "Stomps feet, I don't wannnnaaaaa, whiny voice!"

To make matters worse I got stuck in traffic on the way to gym, I had a fight with a Harley Davidson driver who gave me the finger because I was trying to be polite and I have a HUGE hole in my back tooth which constantly aches. I have to go to the dentist tomorrow...fun fun. I have been avoiding this for months, if I eat on that side, it feels like someone has stuck a needle into my nerves. It is time to fix this but I am so nervous. I don't mind doctors but dentist are a different story. I will be taking my mom with for hand holding moral support. Yes, I am a baby.

I also woke up with YELLOW hair...yes yellow! I am so,so irritated. I wanted my hair to be bleached the colour of PINK'S hair...you know the rock singer! I LOVE her ash blond, silver, short hair...after TELLING my hairdresser that I did not want to see any yellow in my hair I walked out of the salon not that happy. I could see yellow but was not 100% sure... it was 18:30 on a Friday night, I was tired and just wanted to get home to Luke, so I left it. I do however think she knew it was not right because as I left she still told me that I may need more toner! Duhhhhh!

I have stared at the doo all weekend and after washing it last night I know it is not just me and this happy, sunflower colour is not what I paid for, it is most defiantly YELLOW, it has to go! I will be calling my hairdresser tomorrow to fix my hair, SIGH. I would do it today but they are closed on Mondays....what a pain! A pity my mood does not match my happy, yellow, sunny hair!

Okay to be honest all this stuff that I am moaning about is minor and can be fixed. My major upset is actually the fact that my baby is growing up so, so fast and while I definitely do celebrate his milestones...him cutting 2 teeth this past week has left a pain in my heart. He is no longer a toothless baby but is now well and truly on the road to becoming a little boy. It scares me how quickly this is all happening. Where is the time going and where am I, I feel lost?

I can't get my mind around how life is speeding by, I feel like I am standing on the platform and am missing the train! My months, weeks, days are staring to blur and I am having trouble remembering things. I feel all over the place and out of control. Luke's toofies were a huge wake up call, time waits for no man/woman.... I MUST take control again, slow down and look after myself better - my teeth are a classic example of me not looking after myself and leaving things! I can feel the depression sitting on my back, it is getting heavier and I need to fight it, keep it away.

I am hoping that by putting this post out there it will make me accountable and will help me to remember that I am also on this planet. This is my week. I will be reassessing what is truly important. I will put plans in place and will be moving forward.
I do hope that by doing this insead of just floating around and hoping for the best time will slow down and I can then celebrate Luke's milestones instead of feeling heart sore because there was just not enough time to enjoy every second.

Much Love M

2 comments:

  1. Hey friend!

    Shame man - I know how you feel! At least the colour can be fixed! A bad CUT on the other hand is a disaster! You'll be JUST FINE!

    I just read a quote that I thought you might like ... "Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest" ... OH DEAR! I know that you thrive on the feeling of being in control, but if there's one thing that being a mother has taught me, is that WE ARE NO LONGER IN CONTROL! Luke will learn things and do things SO quickly now and you really can't beat yourself up about missing something, or feeling that it's gone by too fast. You just need to cherish each and every moment with him and ... LET LOOSE! Take time for YOURSELF - it's what's best for YOU and for King Luke!

    Much love,

    Nix

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  2. Thanks Niks! You are so right!
    40 years.....woooooow slow down friend..now you are scaring me! LOL!
    So true about not being in control...it has been a huge learning experience for me. I am letting go of the control..one finger at a time!
    Love U too!

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