August 27, 2010

I have learned...sometimes the hard way!

Feeling: Like Yoda!

A few things I have noticed along the way:

1. Never, EVER highlight or bleach your own hair. You will regret it!

2. One person with passion is better that 10 people merely interested.

3. Always smell nice, there is nothing better.

4. We will ALL get old and ugly so try and develop a personality and a brain, they will be important in the old age home ;-)

5. One mans junk is another mans treasure. Don't hoard and collect clutter - give it away.

6. Stand up for those who are weaker than you, are bullied or picked on. Never let a bully get away with it. It won't make you popular but do what is right... ALWAYS!

7. Every pregnancy is different, your stomach will always be too big or too small to someone. Don't take it personally.

8. People will disappoint you, expect it and if not you will be pleasantly surprised.

9. Prayer is powerful, when in trouble we all pray..come on admit it!

10. Don't complicate your baby: they need love, food and to be held, simple.

11. Show emotion that is why we have facial muscles and tear ducts - use them.

12. Laugh at yourself, it is the best therapy.

13. Say please and thank you - manners maketh the man.

14. Don't wear pants that are too tight for you, get over the size on the label and wear pants that fit - a muffin top is NOT cool!

15. Nipples showing through a T-shirt is slutty...full stop!

16. Exercise: you will eventually enjoy it, getting started is the hard part.

17. Honor and respect your mother and father.What you do to them your kids will do to you EEECK.

18.Play with your children, get down on your hands and knees and be silly, they will love you for it.

19. Don't let TV rule your life.

20. Breakfast is definitely the most important meal of the day. Break the fast!

21. Life is hard for everyone, even those you envy because they seem to have everything have problems. They just hide them behind more stuff!

22. Stand for something...a person without an opinion or voice is like a cake with no baking powder.....FLAT.

23. If a company wants loyalty get a dog!

24. Money is important no matter what people tell you...we all need and want it but it really can not buy love, health or happiness.

25. Lust is fleeting, love is forever but still requires a lot of work don't be mistaken. I love you but don't like you right now.....The truth behind every marriage!

26. Don't sleep around you will loose a bit of yourself every time and will take a bit of that person with you whether you want it or not.

27. Men are turned on by sight so NO it is NOT okay for them to go to strip clubs, read dirt mags or watch pornos even for a bachelors party- the images will stick...have standards ladies!

28. The only thing that just happens in life is SH1T..big stinking piles of it. Everything else takes a lot of hard work and planning!

29. Happiness is a choice.

30.Just because you deserve something does not mean you will get it.

31. Let your yes be your yes and your No your No.

32. Don't neglect your loved ones whilst making your money - who wants a tombstone that says: He/She was a good worker.

33. Teach your children to be kind and to respect animals.

34. Don't EVER trust a person who is mean or nasty to children or animals.

35. Never sulk, it is a yukky trait.

36. When in doubt DON'T.

37. Let your children be children they will be grown ups for a very long time.

38. People around you, even strangers are hurting right now. Take a moment and just listen, study those around you. You can hear it in the way they talk, how they look, how they hold themselves and in their eyes. Be sensitive.

39. The world does not revolve around you!

40. Without God there is no hope. Without God there is no life after sad that people think that this life is all there is! Without God what actually is the point? For God so LOVED the world that he gave his only son that who so ever believes in him shall not perish but WILL have eternal life!

Much Love M

August 19, 2010

Leading A Horse To Water But Can't Make It Drink.

Feeling: Irritated

Okay so I am a fix it kinnda person.

If you have a problem, talk about it, feel sorry for yourself for a few days and then it is time to fix it....I am sorry to say this but it takes a lot for me to actually really and truly sympathise with someone who as far as I can see can fix the problem but seems totally unwilling to do so. I can only say aggg shame so many times!

For example if you have a headache take a tablet lie down for an hour and get over it. These people that hold their heads and moan for hours just grate me.

I think my lack of sympathy comes from the fact that I have friends, family and acquaintances who have real problems but they are making the most out of terrible situations. These people inspire me and make me thankful for what I have.

As you may have guest someone really grated my carrot this morning!!

There is this obese woman at our gym lets call her Shamu. Before anyone who is caring a bit of extra junk in their trunk bites my head off...... I really don't care is someone is a bit squishy but come on you can be heavy, healthy and happy!

Shamu is a miserable person who has no reason to me I have known her my entire life.

She is also one of those people who is "allergic" to everything even avocado...BUT put a plate of fried,sugary, FATTY treats in front of her and she is fine........SURLY if you have allergies you need to eat well and be careful what you put in your mouth?
She claims she is allergic to lactose, nuts, avo BLAH BLAH BLAH...she also tell us ALL THE TIME about her sore knees, head, arms, wrists, knots in her back.......- NOTE TO SELF never ask her how she is ever again!

This morning while listening to her whinge this voice in my head kept saying..."well you are only about 5 Foot 2 and weight over 100Kg's, I am no doctor but there lies the problem.. so FIX IT!!!"

She pretends to gym...yes pretends, she kinnda hangs from the equipment and works her voice box..she never shuts up! Even on the cardio boards she kinnda flails around like a beached whale it seriously irritates me. If you are going to do something do it properly! She does not stick with anything and waddles into gym once maybe twice a week just for a moan it seems.

We all get the pleasure of watching her mess around while listening to her moan and give useless advice on supplements. Not only is Shamu allergic to everything but takes every supplement under the sun...carrot, beetroot supplements...what the.....why not just eat the healthy food?

Today I was quite snappy with her, I just could not help myself. She started carrying on at me about supplements! I calmly looked at her and said...Shamu why do you take all these pills when you eat unhealthy is like ordering a waffle with ice-cream and chocolate sauce and then washing it all down with a diet coke...seriously what is the point?

Ahh haaaa I thought I had her and would shut her up.

She stops talking, blinks, takes a breath and says....

I never drink diet coke it is full of chemicals!

(Excuse me.... I need a bathroom break to pull my hair out!)

Much Love M

August 06, 2010

The things we do to our Kids!

Feeling: Stupid

I almost traumatised my poor child for the rest of his life before he was even born.

I know that this sounds rather dramatic but think back to your school days. Now think about that 1 poor kid who got teased from grade 1 to matric! 12 years of his sorry little life and all because his parents decided to be creative and give him an unusual name.

At 16 weeks we found out that my Chilli Bean (Luke's name for the 1st 16 weeks of my pregnancy because I ate my weight in chillis and then some) was a boy!

I was thrilled and had the baby naming book at home all ready for name choosing!

This book was pretty "modern" it had names in it like 50 Cents, Snoop Doggy and Apple ..... !

Anyway I had always loved the name Luke and had always thought that if I had a son that would be his name but now it sounded boring. In my pregnant state I decided to try and find something a little bit different, something unusual...why, why do we do this to our kids?

After going through what felt like a million names I came across the name ASH .... I must confess that I still quite like it. Anyway that night over a family dinner I decided to test the name on my toughest, most honest critics, my 2 brothers.

I looked at them and said "Hey guys what do you think of the name ASH HALL!?????"

Both my brothers immediately stopped eating and looked at me in horror. They asked me if I was serious! Now feeling a bit uncertain by the looks, I quietly replied "yes".

They then asked me to imagine the following scenario:

Luke wins an award at school or gets called to the office:
The principle says,"Will Mr. A. Hall, A Hall please come to x, y or z!"

I froze played the scenario in my head and realised I had nearly named my child Asshole!

I mean really now Mands why not just get it over with and call your kid POOPHALL!

Much Love M

August 05, 2010

Umm there is an Elephant in your pants?

Feeling: relieved.

When Luke was a few weeks old he would scream and scream like he was in pain for what seemed like no apparent reason. I was very worried about this but after some investigation, google, talking to docs/nurses and other mothers...the word COLIC seemed to be the answer............!

In all honestly, I do believe that all babies have some form of colic because of their under developed digestive systems but I think that a lot of mothers loosely just throw around the term. My child screams so it must therefore be colic!
The word colic gives a solution to a very tough problem, it gives us mothers a reason as to why we can not get this baby to stop screaming. It also evokes community support from fellow mommies. They will stand together and sympathise with the frayed, emotional, hollow eyed mother. It is not you MAMMA X, Y and is COLIC!

It is easier to arrive at a social function looking like something that you pulled out of a clogged drain pipe and say Colic with conviction.... than to admit that you are not well organised, don't know what the hell you are doing, did not burp your baby properly because you got bored, feel hormonal, got vomited on, peed on and pooped on and yes your darling bundle of cuteness is already flexing its little muscles and may "gasp" be a strong willed child. You do not yet know your babies lingo and he is crying in order to communicate with you but....... NAH must be colic!

Now the reason that I say this is when you do actually encounter a friend whose baby has real text book colic you will know it - trust me.
I have 2 mommy friends whose babies suffered with the real deal. It is not an urban, desperate mothers legend but a rather an oh my goodness I am so relieved my cherub is not like x, y and you back away from the other mother slowly holding you breath, hoping with all your soul that her screaming baby is not contagious! It is real and is very tough for all involved!

I was convinced for the first 8 weeks of Luke's life that he was starting with colic. I mean come on I did everything that the baby booked had told me to do and it just made my cherub angrier and purple! I was totally wrong...

After his 8 week inoculation I arrived home pretty much traumatised by the size of the needles that they shoved into my tiny babies thighs. When he and I finally calmed down from the entire ordeal I decided to give him a soothing bath. As I removed his nappy I say a huge bulge on the side of his winkie, his one testicle was also twice the size of its friend.

OMW MOM I yelled there is something wrong with Luke!! When I touched the protrusion it slipped back in and out again. I raced Luke to the Doc who had a good feel and look around, stood up and with certainty said uuuuuuuu it is a hernia....Light bulb moment my child did not have Colic he had a Inguinal Hernia!

Ah Inguinal Hernia or a groin hernia, is a protrusion (lump) of the small intestine or fatty tissue into the groin through a weakness or tear in the abdominal wall.

Frequently hernias produce no symptoms. However, some people may experience the following symptoms:

A lump or swelling in the groin
A sudden pain into the scrotum
Abdominal discomfort
A heavy feeling in the groin
Pain in the groin while standing or moving

Hernias that are painful and can't be pushed back (incarcenated or strangulated hernia) are treated surgically. There are two surgically procedures available for the treatment of inguinal hernias - open surgery or laparoscopy.
Open surgery is the most common type of treatment, accounting for 95 percent of inguinal repairs. This procedure is done under local
anesthesia and requires a 4- to 6-inch incision in the groin. The doctor then pushes the herniated tissue back into place and sutures the opening shut. Sometimes a small piece of synthetic material is placed over the gap to serve as a scaffolding on which scar tissue will grow. Full recovery time takes 4 to 6 weeks.

So yes the next day we saw the Pediatric Surgeon. Luke was booked to have his surgery the following was all very sudden and I must admit I drizzled for days.

Luke's surgery was pretty straight forward but to my uttermost horror I was not allowed to feed him from 10am to 15:00pm on the day of his op, this meant he missed 3 feeds. I prayed about it and honestly a little miracle happened: my son who LOVES his milk and would scream blue murder until fed every 2 hours did not make 1 sound and no medication or calming drugs were needed. He was as good as gold, it was truely a little miracle, I am convinced that God had his hand on Luke!! Thank you Lord what would I do without you.

Luke went into theater at around 15:00pm Chris had to walk him into the theater and sat with him until he fell asleep, I just could not do it. We waited for 45min while they fixed his hernia, we gave the surgeon permission to check both sides of Luke's abdomen and thankfully we did because the little mite had 2 hernias one on each side of his groin. He came around from the anesthetic fighting and within 2 days was a happy, changed baby. He no longer screamed from pain!
Not surprising he had been trying to tell us about his hernias all along, my clever boy!

The only reminder of his surgery are 2 little lines about 2cm's long on each side of his groin...almost like mammas Caesar scar just neater.

I was changing his nappy a few weeks after his surgery and my youngest brother walked into the room, he was taking a good look at King Luke's scars and said " HEY Mands come and see this, look it is a blinking elephant."

Confused I looked down at Luke's winkie and with the 2 slits just above it I could clearly see a blinking elephant!

Much Love M

My 1st husband (may he RIP) asked me the same question!

Feeling: irritable

My husband, I do love him, really I do BUT yesterday morning I did not!

I wanted to clap the condescending smile right off his handsome face. I wanted to scratch the sarcastic sparkle out off his blue eyes, I wanted to shove my foot right between his..... "breath". YES I felt violent!

I have not been feeling great for the past week. I contracted pink eye, this required antibiotics. Due to this my immune system has since crashed and I now have flu and am on a second course of antibiotics.

Luke has not slept more that 2 hours at a time for the past 10 days, 45 min and 2 sec .....okay not really but it does feel this way!
The poor mite has also not been well and is teething (lovely combination- as previously discussed Luke is a GO big or GO home kinda kid)- we are a sorry twosome!
If Luke does not sleep, Mamma does not sleep....ENOUGH said!

Yesterday morning I was a bit slow (understandably????), I got up slowly, painfully, I changed Luke's nappy slowly, I made breakfast/lunches slowly, I got dressed slowly .......get the picture?

The result being that I was running a bit late.

Chris trying to be helpful was rushing me and clock watching. Every 15 minutes he would tell me what the time was, highlighting the fact that I was behind schedule (No sh1t Shurlock).
After the 10 time that he had told me to hurry up and had cheerfully called out the exact time, I CrAcKeD and spewed forth a few well chosen pretty descriptive words about the entire situation!

Chris stopped looked at me and said:


My eye started to twitch!


I unceremoniously and with as much force as I could muster SLAMMED the front door in his face.

Why do men do this....If we are not MRS. FREKEN RAY OF GLAMOROUS SUNSHINE then it must be hormones!

Much Love M

August 04, 2010

Pineapple wins!

Feeling: Strong willed!

Think about this for a second.... IT GOES IN A CUCUMBER AND COMES OUT A PINEAPPLE!

What the heck is this mad mamma talking about you may ask?


This 1 simple line will explain why I controversially chose to have an elective Caesar. Please don't get offended if you had a natural birth, I think you are super human and applaud you -really I do!

When I first found out I was pregnant I was adamant that I was going to have a natural birth. I was often asked by people even complete strangers what I was planning to do when the time came. Funny how when you are pregnant your nether regions become a communal topic. I would often then clarify and say "a natural birth with drugs of course".

Many woman would then give me a relived, knowing smile, pat my belly and say good for you! ahhhh I was a part of the push a pineapple out of your v-jay club. Yipeeee go me! They like me, they really like me!

When I hit the 8 month mark in my pregnancy I began to actually think, visualise the birthing process.OMW it freaked me out...I have to push a 3 plus Kg person out of where? The reality of the entire situation set in and I started to talk to moms who had had Caesars. Just wanted to keep my options open!

These are the questions that I usually asked:

1. Why did you choose to have a Caesar?

2. Do you regret it?

3. How does it feel afterwards, are you able to skip,run, hop, jump?

4. Would you do it again?

5. What is your scar like?

Almost 99% of the mothers that I spoke to were happy with their elective Caesars and said they would do it all over again. They were honest and did tell me the pros and cons. There were a lot more pros then cons in my opinion.
There seemed to be very little drama involved and it could all be planned. A big tick right there in my am I going to have a Caesar box.

I then decided to watch YOU TUBE for some natural birth videos, ummm DRUG FREE!

I found a lot of clips and sneakily watched them at work with the sound off.

It all look rather romantic, the labouring mother surrounded by a support group, urging her to push as she concentrates, closes her eyes and pushes. Camera zooms down to her nether regions and you see the baby's head crown, shoulders and body slip out! The doctor/midwife/hubby then passes the bundle of joy to the flushed, glowing mother who is now sobbing as she kisses her new baby - pretty powerful stuff!

Then I made a huge mistake, I put on the sound..........!
OMW the women sound like they are dying... actually no not dying.... being tortured slowly. They scream, they yell, they swear, they grunt, they groan, they moan and cry! They sound like animals!
All the while exposing there nether regions to bored doctors/nurses who been there delivered that!
The glow that I could see on the exhausted new mothers face is actually sweat from the immense pain!
I then hear a doctor tell a woman that he is going to cut her v-jay or she will TEAR....WHAT your v - jay can tear?????.....I close my legs just thinking about it!

That was the final straw.... I called my Doc and asked him to book me a Caesar!
My google investigation was over Case Closed!
Viva caesar v-jay my choice!

Much Love M

August 03, 2010

Smug Married People.

Feeling: Happy

Last night an old girl friend (I have known her all my life) came over to drop off an awesome gift for Luke...A Springbok jersey that says "Future Springbok" awwwww too cute. Thanks N!
My hubby was really good at Rugby in his youth. He even made the under 21A Rau team and the junior Lions squad - forgive my bragging :-). Maybe Luke will be a chip off the old BOK?

I have not seen this friend for a few weeks, you know how it goes when you are a working mother?Your routine, social appointments.... okay in all honestly life revolves around baby, his moods, illnesses, teething and sleeping patterns.

I find it especially hard to get together with friends who are single or do not have kids. I am not saying this as a smug married person (a line stolen from Bridgette Jone's Diary - if you have not read it, please do) but I am saying this as a now socially withdrawn mother. I used to catch up with friends whenever I had inclination to do so but now social visits need to be a well planned and carefully executed with military precision!

We need to meet somewhere where kids are welcomed otherwise I sit the whole time getting hairy eyeballs from the neighbouring tables as my son throws the spoon on the floor for the millionth time, bangs the table, tries to grab my boiling coffee, cries after I take any dangerous objects away from him or flicks his food on me,the floor and at times on those not further than 2 metres away from us! I have given up cleaning toys or dummies that he has thrown on the floor. I now apply the 10 second rule or pop it into my mouth!

We need to meet at a time that is not slap bang in the middle of his naps - not easy when his nap times can vary anywhere from half and hour to a full hour on any given day. My kid is just not a routine shmootine kinnda guy! I am NEVER late, I have a type A personality so this has been a big adjustment.

Then it is the physical battle of packing his bags, bottles, food, pram and toys while having him stuck on my hip because he won't let me put him down, he is going through the clingy stage (I must admit I love it, makes me feel important) but he weighs 10Kgs!
Packing and unpacking all Luke paraphernalia is physically tiring, by the time I sit down for my cappuchino, I am sweaty, slightly pink, trying to remember if I put deodorant on, all the while pretending to look like this is easy and that I am in control! Glamorous?

I also try and wait a moment or 2 before we leave home, hoping that he will have a bowel movement so that he does not stink up where ever we are meeting people, trust me they could use Luke as a crowd clearing device.

I am not going to even get started on the horrendous conditions of baby changing rooms in this country -Clean much???

Most of them are so filthy dirty that I would not even put my dog on those matts!
I have on numerous occasions run my smelly boy into the parking lot to change the explosion in his nappy in the boot of my me.... not as easy as it sounds.

Okay I digress, back to my friend, she is single and has been playing the dating game.

The "game" is a distant memory for me but I do love hearing about her adventures! It is nice to sometimes have an adult conversation that does not require the words baby,vomit,teething or nappies anywhere in it!

The world of 25 plus dating seems to be quite a minefield. Gone are the days when manners maketh the man it seems!
Her stories made me laugh hysterically, you know that belly, teary eye, choke on your food, tea out your nose laugh. Yip that was me!
I wish she would write a book on her experiences, these men are absurd. Her stories make fact stranger then fiction. Stalkers, neat freaks, commitment phobs, scrooges...basically the big the bad and the ugly!

These 30 plus "potential" partners are too ridiculous for words, hmmmm maybe they were not breast fed as babies "giggle"!
I had better not say that because Luke was not breast fed but geez I do hope my son will know how to treat a lady, if not "I brought him into this world and I can take him out!" hehee.

I sat there enthralled by her world, a small part of me envious. She can do as she pleases, when she pleases, how she please and does not answer to anyone.
Then another part of me is thinking THANK GOODNESS I have Chris and that I do not have to go through all the rigmarole of the 25 plus dating game.

Trust me the rules have change, there is tough competition for very little reward, fair is not fair, men are not men and please ladies don't have an opinion, a brain or morals the man will run or try to mold or change you!

I do however confess that I on the odd occasion imagine the life of a singleton, the freedom, the living for ones self and only ones self. I can't but help getting a little nostalgic smile when thinking about my dating days, especially when cleaning house, paying boring utility bills, cleaning a crappy nappy, having no more than 2 hours sleep at any given time, buying formula instead of those really cute impractical shoes, telling everyone where I am all the times in case of emergency and feeling guilty if mommy/wife has a bit to much fun when with other people!

Do any of you remember that movie the name escapes me now.
The single friend asks a newly married friend "How are you?".
The newly married friend fights back a sob and says" I am fine but I have just realised that I will never be alone again!"

I can really relate to this. Marriage/motherhood can be quite Bitter/ Sweet!

In my case more sweet than bitter but I do occasionally dream!

Much Love M