Feeling: Adamant.
The evening that I went into labour I was lying in the foetal position, breathing through the horrendous contractions waiting for some, any doctor to arrive to administer my pain medication.
The nurse asked me to fill out a form and asked me two questions:
1. Do you want to breastfeed....my first thought was WOW that is an odd question, doesn't every mother want to nourish their little babies with the bestest, mostest natural goodness around...so haughtily I replied YES!
2. Do you want to keep your placenta? WHAT THE..........! ewwwwww NO!
After Luke was born, the nurse in post op "helped" me to breastfeed . It was fascinating, this tiny little person, all warm ,placid and sleepy became like a ferocious piranha as soon as the nurse put him near my booby. He literally crawled to it with his mouth wide open...it was pretty freaky.
While pregnant I had had these visions of me sitting all beautiful in white linen with my chubby angle drinking while lying peacefully against my bare chest. SIGH but it was just not meant to be.
My body had already been so man handled while I had been in labour...NOT FUN. I had just had Luke cut out of me and all the dignity that I ever possessed was now well and truly gone. To make matters worse I now had this nurse poking and prodding at my sensitive nipples.
I don't know about you but I am not a touchy, feely person at the best of times and having this woman fondling my breasts was not my idea of feeling comfortable and in control!
The first 3 days of feeding Luke the colostrum was not bad. I felt like I was a great, empowered mommy and could definately do this. When we left the hospital Luke had not even lost a gram - most babies do loose weight until the actual milk comes in. WOW I was a Super Mom, dairy cow! I choose not to have natural birth, a decision I still stand by BUT I was not a total complete loss and was now the Booby Queen!
When the milk started to come in....come in now that is a stupid term they make it sound so easy! I had read a few books on breastfeeding and I can honestly say that not one book told me the truth and not one mommy told me how bad it is! Maybe it is just me but I was totally and utterly unprepared for this.
It was THE MOST horrendous part of my entire birth experience. I have never felt pain like that in all my life. The Caesar was nothing, labour was bad but fleeting because of the spinal block, this however was continuous 2 hourly torture.
Take a pair of pliers and clip them onto your nipples.. ready now.... twist them while grinding the pliers open and closed! Do this for 15 minutes every 2 hours. My piranah!
Okay now take a burning hot poker and prod your breast with it. This is the sensation of milk coming in. No ladies and gents I could not WORK through the pain.The cabbage leaves did nothing and to this day I cant stand the smell of cabbage - post traumatic stress syndrome!
Any and all nipple creams were used in an attempt to save my minced, bleeding nipples - they did not work. Nipple guards? What ever I was too far gone!
Massaging them in a hot bath water. Massage them?!! I could not even touch them and wanted to literally die when ever I would bump these two huge, over inflated, unsexy torture devices that have been implanted onto my chest.
After a week of tears, hysteria, sweating and spastic muscles in my neck and back from the pain. Grinding my teeth and trying to do the"right" thing I TOLD the doctor that I am not doing this and to dry me up!
I stuck to my guns after many people gave me the look for not "doing the best for my son". Don't you hate it..... people always want to give you their opinions and make you feel guilty especially when you are at you most vulnerable!
I realised that I had become petrified of Luke. I was becoming more and more unhinged by the pain. I had images of me running away! I was very disappointed because up to this point I had done well considering the type of person that I am.
I had not had the 3 day cry, I was not depressed and had no post partum negative emotions. All I can say is that I was tired of pain and it had to be fixed so that I could continue to enjoy my baby! I had mastitis and could not hold Luke to my chest, how do you love a new born baby if you cant hold him?!
Much to peoples disgust I took the tablets and popped my son of 10 days old onto formula - BLISS - slowly my breasts became my own again as the milk dried up. I did not have to worry about leaking anymore, the uncomfortable breast pads were promptly given away, the sticky dirty feeling and changing my clothes a million times a day stopped, the pain eventually disappeared it took more than a month and my nipples started to heal.
Chris could also get up and feed Luke so we could now share night feeds and I could not hold, cuddle and love my son to my chest- LOVE.
I will never, ever breast feed again and the next time a nurse asks me that question when delivering my "maybe one day" second child. I will calmly reply : DRY ME UP DOTTY!
Much Love M
Shame my friend! That was so hectic for you! I can honestly say that I loved breastfeeding and will definitely do it again one day. That said, it is always a different experience for each mom and apparently, for each child! You did what was best for YOU and for Luke, which is what's important! Keep it up xxx
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